When someone we know has a sick loved one, searching for the right words to say can be very difficult. While showing sympathy is vital during this time, many of us struggle to come up with comforting words to say. Show
Start with these experts’ insights get an idea of what to say to someone who has a sick family member. Comforting Things to Say to Someone Who Has a Sick Relative
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Alexandra Friedmann Finkel, LCSW Pediatric Oncology Social Worker | Co-Founder and Therapist at Kind Minds Therapy When speaking with someone who has a sick family member, people may feel pressure to say the “right” thing. This often leads to people feeling overwhelmed and intimidated, and in some cases, causes them to avoid saying something altogether. This leaves the person with the sick family member not only with the burden of caring for that family member but also with more and more feelings of isolation and abandonment. The most important thing to remember is that what to say depends on who the individual is that needs support. Think about who the audience is. Is it a co-worker? A best friend? A partner? Keep the individual in mind. No matter who it may be, these are some tips to help show you care: Ask how he/she isYou can say, “I know that your [family member] is sick. How are you doing with everything?”. Let the response guide your conversation. Creating space to allow someone to actually speak about the challenges they are experiencing by having a sick family member is much more powerful than anything generic. Letting him/her know that it’s okay to feel that way and that you here to listen can help tremendously. Explore what it’s like for him/her to have a sick family memberAsk open-ended questions, suspending judgment or advice, such as “It seems like it must be really hard to be going through [family member’s illness]. What has it been like for you?” Most people want to feel validated, heard, understood, and listened to. Simply asking this question and echoing back the feelings that you hear can show the person that you truly care. Ask the person what would be helpful to him/herTry something like, “What can I say or do that would be helpful to you?” Many people, if they sense that you are being authentic and want to help, will tell you exactly what they need. If they say “I don’t know”, “nothing” or any variation of that, give them examples of what that could be: grocery shopping, help with childcare, social visit, communicating information to others on their behalf, laundry, a phone call/video chat, sending uplifting messages, etc. People who are caring for a sick family member are often overloaded and may need examples of ways you can help. If they do not want to take you up on your offer, remind them that you are here for them if they need anything and if they think of anything, not to hesitate to reach out to you. Follow up; more than one conversation is likely not enoughKeep checking in. Showing up and not giving up when it’s hard or uncomfortable sends the message that you can handle the difficult parts of life. Showing up repeatedly communicates that when the person IS ready to accept support, there is someone to turn to (you!). Say simple yet supportive thingsHaving an illness in the family can have a big impact on every member of that family, and a new illness can be a source of extreme stress. With a family member in the hospital, people may be juggling an overpacked schedule. When they aren’t at their family member’s bedside, they may be emotionally fragile and anxious. People may not want you to try to comfort them with definites about the unknown such as reassurance that the situation will improve. But, there are plenty of simple yet supportive things to say even when someone is dealing with a seriously ill family member. Here’s what you should say to him or her. Feel free to make the following suggestions your own.
Don’t try to fix itWhen talking to someone that has a sick family member, the number one rule is don’t try to fix it. Our instinct is always to try and make people feel better, which leads us to reassurance sentences like “they’ll be fine, don’t worry.” At its best, reassurance will only offer a temporary boost for someone before reality comes back. The problem is that reassurance can often feel invalidating if you’re on the receiving end and haven’t asked for it. It’s a much harder task to practice empathy and try to sit with the person no matter how they’re feeling. Often this can make us feel a little helpless ourselves as we’ve generally been taught across our life that feeling sad isn’t okay. But to really connect with someone, you’ve got to be willing to get down into the hole with them. Practically speaking, this could be as simple as saying “that sounds really hard” and giving them a hug. It’s a funny thing, but sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. Just being there with someone can be far more rewarding for everyone involved. Ask questions and listen to their answersWhen someone has a loved one that is suffering from illness, it can be a very stressful time for everyone involved. Sitting by and watching someone you love suffer is not only heart wrenching, but it also makes you feel so helpless. You have no control over curing them, but you do have ways of making them feel better by providing comfort, offering encouragement, and simply being there for them. The sitting and waiting, or the round the clock care, can be exhausting, mentally, physically, and emotionally. So when it comes to supporting those who have sick family members, remember it is really no different. Keep in touch with them either in person, via phone call, texting or social media. Ask how their loved one is doing. Listen. And then ask how they are doing, then listen again. You can pick up clues as to how you can offer support in their answers.
When you ask questions, and then listen to the answers, you will be given the clues as to what to do or say. Sometimes, just a friendly voice, a hug, and lending an ear is the very BEST thing, and the only thing that is really needed.
Mary Sweeney, RN, BSN, CEN, ONN-CG Registered Nurse | Medical Consultant at Mom Loves Best Above all, ask them what they needIt’s long been said in healthcare that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of others. That rings true especially in situations like this, and it doesn’t just apply to healthcare workers. Family members will be caring for loved ones with this virus, there’s no question about it. They haven’t trained for this, and many haven’t physically or mentally prepared. The best things you can say to them are conveyances of your desire to help them in any way possible. Here are some supportive questions and phrases to let them know you care:
More than ever, we need to band together and start thinking about how we can be the best friends, family, neighbors, or just humans. Let’s get through this together, one day at a time. Remember your own self-careWhen family members age and become sick and/or injured, others often step in as caregivers to offer help and support. Serving in this capacity can be draining physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. Feeling heightened responsibility and/or obligation, family caregivers will completely focus their time, energy, and resources on a loved one, yet completely disregard themselves in the process. As humans, we have our limitations. A lack of self-care will often lead to exhaustion, resentment, anger, stress, and poorer personal health. A caregiver must remain at his/her best to provide the help and support necessary. As a former co-caregiver for my own aging parents (Mom had Parkinson’s disease and Leukemia while Dad had Alzheimer’s), I learned the power of personal self-care and used walking and writing to help myself cope. Related: 10 Best Books on Caring for Aging Parents Family caregivers can choose any means of self-care they wish. This can be something that they used to enjoy as a hobby or pastime but feel they do not have the time to do it anymore. Alternatively, it can be something new and they are interested in learning more about it. It is vital that family caregivers consider personal care a mindset and do something for themselves on a regular basis.
Express sympathy and careExpress your sorrow in hearing the news and tell the individual you will keep him/her and their loved ones in your thoughts or prayers. If you are able, offer to help the individual. If it’s a neighbor or friend, can you assist with housework, child care, or provide a meal? If it is a coworker, can you help lighten their load and take on some of their work? Difficult and trying times like these are when we, as human beings, have the opportunity to be and do our best and help one another. Acknowledge the difficulty they are living withWhen someone you know is living with a sick family member finding the right words can be more difficult than expected. This is especially true when their loved one is dealing with a very serious condition or illness. The very best thing you can do in that instance is to acknowledge the difficulty they are living with. By offering that validation in something as simple as “that must be so difficult for you”or “I am so sorry you and your family are dealing with this”will help them to feel seen and heard. Resist the urge to give suggestions or offer your opinionFrankly, it is not what they need from you. What they need more is support and validation in dealing with something so difficult. Upbeat messages are the best ones to say“I’m here to help if you need me,” “I bet that you’d appreciate a break. Let me fill in for a while,” “How about if I rub those tired shoulders”and similarly, upbeat messages are the best ones to say to an acquaintance with a sick family member. They will probably be irritated by “Who,” “What,” “How,” “When,” “Why” questions. Their minds are already full of other, competing thoughts. Their emotional and physical energies are already drained. Posing “What’s the diagnosis,” “Did the doctor tell you…” and “How long does s/he have” plus similar questions is rude, upsetting, and invasive. Those questions can make it seem as if you’re giving a test. The nosiness is not nice. If the caretaker wants to confide in you, she or he will do so. Demanding answers will probably make your listener want to avoid you. You’re not a reporter, so don’t act like one. Taking care of someone sick is emotionally and physically tiring for caretakers. You need to prove that you respect the person’s dignity and privacy, let alone their physical and emotional limits. That will strengthen their sense of social acceptance plus their trust in you. Some of the thoughts bothering people with sick family members are frightening, hard to answer, and difficult to share. You can do someone a world of kindness by asking open-ended questions that don’t have right or wrong answers. Ask questions such as “How are you feeling? Want my shoulder to cry on?” or “May I run some errands for you? You need to conserve your energy,”because they invite simple, healing and comforting honesty. Your words demonstrate compassion, not curiosity, safety, not gossipy curiosity. Let the person know that it’s okay to cryNormal people need that release from emotional pressure. There’s a confusion that comes with understanding an illness and medication instructions, new appointment schedules, and feeling tired. Hug the person caring for a sick family member, give tissues, and sigh along when they do. If the sick person has been diagnosed with Coronavirus, though, skip the hugs and replace them with long smiles. Demonstrate your ease with and acceptance of the person’s emotional realities and coping efforts. Send supportive text messages and make warmly worded phone calls from time, too. Bolster a weary caretaker with praise. Instead of expressing your disappointment that they’re not trying hard enough or doing enough, mention your admiration for what they have accomplished or tried to achieve. If the person needs encouragement, say, “You’re able to do difficult things, I know that.” The longer that you’re in contact with the person caring for a sick family member, the more insight you’ll gain about what to say and when. Trust your instincts, and praise yourself for making your compassionate efforts as best you can. Make sure they feel your presenceSometimes, saying everything will be ok is not enough to comfort someone who is going through pain or who has a sick family member. Make sure they feel your presence. For this, ensure them that you are sorry for whatever they are going through. Ask them, if they need any sort of help and wish that you are waiting for the speedy recovery of the patient. In the end, you can comfort them saying, “I’ll be praying for you. Let me know if you ever want to talk. I’m here to listen. I know how hard it can be to see a loved one in this situation.” What do you say to someone who has a sick family member?What to Say to a Close Friend or Partner with a Sick Family Member. What do you want to eat for dinner? ... . I love you so much. ... . Would you like company the next time you visit the hospital? ... . Don't worry about cleaning the house or those errands. ... . I'm running to the store. ... . Just checking in and wanted to say I love you.. What to write in a card for someone who has a sick family member?Examples. “Hope you get to feeling better soon!”. “Looking forward to seeing you back at practice when you're ready.”. “Wishing you well.”. “Take extra good care!”. “Here's to you—steadier, stronger and better every day.”. “We hope you're taking it slow and easy right now.”. “Take your sweet time getting well!”. What to say to someone who has a family member in the hospital?Here are a few things to say when someone you know is in the hospital:. “You're in my thoughts every day, I love you.”. “You're so strong, you've got this.”. “I pray that you feel better.”. “Nothing can stop you – get well soon!”. “Sending healing energy your way.”. “Wishing you a very speedy recovery!”. “How are you feeling?. How can I support a friend with a sick loved one?How can you Support a Friend in this Situation?. Say something; don't just ignore their situation;. Ask how they're doing;. Ask about their loved one;. Be a good listener;. Ask about their feelings;. Just sit with them;. Share your feelings;. Let them feel sad and scared—don't try to “just be positive;”. |